3. Never clip your nails in your bedroom.
For you will discover a small battalion of ants hauling away a rogue toe nail. My friends, these are lean times, and even the most lowly of the animal kingdom have felt their fair share of hardship. We humans can no longer afford to be so careless with our crumbs, so you would think that our dear ant guests would either starve or stay outside (WHERE THEY BELONG) and find food there, right? Haha....
2. Never succumb to mosquito mind games.
For if you do, you will end up with your car stalled in the middle of the street. “Damn frakking mosquito!” you’ll thunder. “How dare you buzz around my head while I’m driving and too occupied to properly defend myself!” Not only does she attempt to suck the life fluids from your body, thereby creating an itch intense enough to wake you in the dead of night,...
1. never watch television at 4 a.m.
For if you do, you will stumble upon an infomercial for the Brazilian Butt Lift. It will look like so much fun. And all of their butts will look so, so perfect. Why can’t I have a nice butt? you’ll wonder. I should do it. I’ve always wanted one. Suddenly, there’s a gleam at the corner of your eye — why, hello there, Monsieur Credit Card! You seem lonely. I’ve been neglecting you. Come, let us...